In the Land of the Premier Tribute Bands

It seems like almost every band that has ever found at least a moderate taste of fame and success will find its doppelganger in L.A. It doesn't matter how irrelevant the original band may be, they will most likely have a tribute band that doesn't just claim to be an above average tribute band, but claims they are the PREMIER tribute band to that band. The list of bands being tributed is endless: Megadeath, The Pretenders, Metallica, Ozzy, Joe Satriani, Steve Vai, Pat Benatar, and Dokken. That's right. Pat Benatar and Dokken have premier tribute bands. Some of these bands names are clever, and some not so much. For instance, Caress of Steel is the premier tribute band for Rush, while Blonde Jovi is an all female tribute band to Bon Jovi.

You may be asking yourself, "Why? Where's the audience for said premier tribute bands? This sounds like some sort of strange post-modern joke. Is David Lynch running the show from behind the Oz-like curtain?" Then someone may answer from afar, "Well, tribute bands are really hot right now." Really? Well, the bouncer at one of L.A.'s clubs, Paladino's in the Valley (Rocking the Valley since the dawn of time) was all about tribute bands. He told us that whenever the tribute band for Dokken plays there, the lead singer of the real band Dokken attends, watching the show from a table and signing autographs.

This got me thinking. In the spirit of Dokken, I've formulated a plan to quit Elizabethan Report and start up the premier tribute band to Elizabethan Report. I would beat everyone else to the punch, especially since we're not all that famous yet, and it would definitely be the premier tribute band to the ER if I were to be the lead singer. The only way that I could see another ER premier tribute band being more premier than my premier tribute band would be if they got Philip Seymour Hoffman to be the front man. He'd probably have a better grasp on my nuances and idiosyncrasies than I would. The same could be said of Denzel Washington (one of the greatest actors of our lifetime), only he'd have to perform in white face. Unfortunately, the controversy surrounding his performance would distract so much from the subtle, soul searching performance of me he'd give, that people would miss perhaps the greatest performance of his career or anyone's career in the history of this world or any other world.

-Tony Petersen